The stories we tell ourselves comes from a history of what has happened to us, but also of a collection of non-verbals that have accumulated over the years. Our story becomes defined by what we believe. Deep inside ourselves, we long for our stories to reflect who we really want to be, but often they are a reflection of the results of being surprised by not belonging by those we expected to receive it from the most. This creates confusion and disintegration in the brain that moves us away from others, rather than towards.
When we feel disconnected from ourselves from a distorted story we have told ourselves, we become disconnected from others. It’s important to not only seek to make sense of our story, but to find out it’s true version. The way we can find out what’s true is by being in community with people where we are seen, heard, and understood. To become known.
When we have a community of people who are for us and see our strengths, our stories become rewritten. When our stories are told to people who know how to listen and attune to us by leaning in and knowing how to listen between the lines of what we are saying, our brains are rewired.
The truth is, there is so much of our own stories that come from buried parts of us. Parts that were buried slowly over time in small moments that repeated. Perhaps small moments of not being heard, or feeling we fit.
Often we can then resort to doing whatever it takes to fit in, which becomes in itself a dark side of belonging. Where we will become or do anything so we are not sent away from others. The fact is that the story I believe about myself comes from the relationships I hold currently. Are these relationships in my life safe? Do I feel seen and heard from the people around me? If not, it may be time to find those who can create a place of safety and trust, because our stories are written by those who are closest to us. The good news is that we can control who is helping us write that narrative.
Our lives and stories flourish when we have safe community around us. Where there is attunement, there is no shame. There is no hiding. You know you’re in good relationships when bravery, vulnerability, and asking curious questions is a normal part of the culture.
At Certified Flourishing Coach, we believe strongly in the power of interpersonal neurobiology – how attunement rewires the brain. We believe in creating safe community where people can learn how to listen to one another’s stories, and journey to create new ones.
If you are in a place needing a safe community around you so you can become all you were meant to be, the place in the circle is waiting right there for you with us is ready for you. Reach out to us at Connie@wellnessinnovate.com to discover more.
About the Author
Connie Jakab has been working in resilience and flourishing for over 20 years. Starting with youth at risk and gangs in East Vancouver, Connie has been researching how community creates resilience and mental wellness her entire career through a sociological lens.